Through Pain, Healing
by blackfeather157
Summary: Lavellan has been hiding something. Cassandra suspects, but wont assume. One day she finds out. WARNING: IMPLIED SELF-HARM, SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, AND SELF-HATRED. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK!


It wasn't strange to wear bracers or long sleeves most of the time, even in the heat of summer. It was only strange when they were worn when bathing in the river. That was when I first started to notice just how often Saturn wore them. I have rarely seen her without her bracers, and when I have, they are replaced with long sleeves. I notice she is uncomfortable with them on so she usually switches to a short-sleeved crop-top and bracers.

It didn't really bother me all that much until she started to wear longer bracers. I understand the need to upgrade armor to better suit our needs, but the additions were needless. She has never needed to protect that part of her arm, even in close combat.

I was sent by Josephine to her courters to deliver a missive. I felt a wave of tension waft through the stairwell that sent a shudder down my spine. It felt as if dread had placed a heavy stone within my stomach. I reached her door quickly and knocked several times with no answer, so I had to let myself in. Assuming she had fallen asleep, I crept up the stairs as quiet as my clinking boots would allow. I peered around the railing as I made it to the top, looking for signs of the Elf. My eyes landed on her sprawled form passed out on top of her sheets. Her Dalish Armor was scattered across her floor, which struck me as odd considering she always took care of anything from her heritage as if they were sacred artifacts. I had decided to leave the missive on her nightstand for her to see when she awoke. I picked my way through the mess and tip toed around the massive bed.

What halted my movements as I stepped next to her was the sight of blood on her floor. My heart threatened to stop when I realized the drops were fresh. Cold panic surged from my heart to my throat, choking any sound that I may have tried to make. My eyes scoured her for signs of injury and, to my relief, found none. I slowly released my breath I had been holding and forced my muscles to relax. I shoved my panic to the back of my mind and decided to asses my situation.

I knew that she has been through a lot of stress, the world almost literally placed upon her shoulders alone. She was the Herald of Andraste, leader of the Inquisition and the only one who could close the Rifts. She didn't believe in the Maker because she had her own Gods, yet she was forced to become a figurehead for the religion she didn't understand. She had never lead before, afraid to even ask a favor, when in the blink of an eye she was thrust into the role of Inquisitor. What worried me the most was when she insisted she go alone on missions to seal rifts. I fear that everything going on has been too much for the young elf to handle, and she isn't just going to seal rifts.

I have seen this happen before, but was too naïve to recognize what exactly was happening, and was too late to stop that life from ending. Pieces of the scrambled puzzle fell into place, her bracers, the blood and her tear stained cheeks.

I shook her awake to confront her. Her eyes fluttered open and flicked around before stopping on my hand on her shoulder. Slowly her gaze followed up my arm and halting on my face. It took her several seconds for her sleep fogged brain to focus on me.

"Wha…" Her voice was raspy as if she had not used it in a while.

"Lavellan, are you alright?" I tried to sound gentle, but it came out harsh. Her eyes widened and I didn't notice her lift her arms until she shoved me back. I stumbled back a few steps and righted myself as she leaped to her feet and turned to bolt. I saw this and lunged, I wasn't letting her bear this on her own. I gripped her shoulder and spun her to face me, halting her movements. My concern grew as she started to fidget with her bracers. "Lavellan, why are you trying to deal with this on your own? I understand you want to be strong, but to shut us out and try to bear the weight on your own is wrong." Her breathing quickened and her pupils narrowed in fear. I was right to assume she didn't want me knowing but I wasn't letting her go now. I already knew. After a few minutes of silence her face crumpled, tears tracing her Vallaslin. I pulled her into an embrace without thinking. She stiffened but soon relaxed and collapsed against me. I lowered us to the ground, hugging her closer, to comfort her as much as I could.

"I am so sorry Cass. I didn't m-mean to shove you," She rasped. "I just reacted. Creators, am I doomed to hurt everyone close to me?" The last part sounded more to herself than to me and I quickly shushed her.

"Shhhh, what is this talk? What brought you to this, Lavellan?" After no response, I adjusted her to look at me, "Sapphyre, I want to help. Unfortunately, I am not Cole so I cannot read your mind, not that I want to," Her eyes flicked up quickly, she was unsure, "I cannot help unless you tell me what is going on in that thick skull of yours." The corner of her mouth twitched at my small jest. Then her gaze drifted past me and it was as if she were miles away.

"My clan. They're gone, Cass. All of them slaughtered, hunted like game. The Duke ordered it. He even ordered every elf to be killed. Every single one of them. I…I should," She sobbed, "I should've been there. I am… was Lead Hunter, it was my job to protect the Clan and I failed. I should have been there to help, to prevent any bloodshed. Yet, I was here. Celebrating." She cast her eyes down and glared bitterly at her arms. I was taken aback by her words, surly she understood she couldn't have known about the Dukes orders, there was no need to blame herself for something she couldn't control. "My whole family is gone. I have no one to go home to. After everything here, where do I go? How do I continue?" Her laugh was devoid of emotion and her eyes were even worse. It was as if she gave up, I knew the look far too well. "I don't even know if I should I continue…," She whispered.

"Don't." I blurted. Realizing my outburst startled her, those blue pools wide, I cleared my throat, "Don't talk like that, please. You are important to us all, Sapphyre," Our eyes locked and I spoke what my heart believed, "So many people would be devastated if you left us. Even if you have no family to go to anymore, you have us. We think of you as family, I think of you as family. Two years we've known you and we can't imagine our lives without you in it," Tears freely fell and the lump in my throat threatened to choke me. "Please don't give up. Don't ever give up, you have much to live for. So, please don't hide from us. We're here for you, like family should be."

She didn't make a sound, her eyes searching mine for any lies. I knew she found none as she threw herself at me and sobbed into my collar. I cried with her hugging her so much closer and willing my words to seep into her soul and for her to believe them. I wasn't long before her sobs quieted and she went limp in my arms. Wiping away lingering tears, I picked her up and brought her to bed. I placed her down and draped her blanket over her. Feeling satisfied, I sat down on the floor next to her and dozed into a dreamless sleep.


End file.
